Radical Allowance

I thought I was a pretty positive person.

Then I tried to stop complaining for four weeks.

😳

Apparently, I have some work to do.

Somewhere in my reading or listening, I came across this idea of radical allowance: stop resisting the things you cannot control.

And as an experiment, I added another layer. No complaining.

For four weeks.

How hard could that be?

Very, as it turns out.😬

What surprised me wasn't just catching myself complaining.

It was noticing when I wanted to complain.

Someone would complain about something and almost instinctively, I wanted to join them.

"Oh, I know..."

"That happens to me too..."

"Don't even get me started..."

It felt like connection. A friend challenged me by saying it was an acceptable social bonding process.

Common ground.

Except the common ground was a complaint.

Hmmm.

And then I started noticing something else.

How much of what we complain about is completely outside our control? A lot apparently.

Stephen Covey famously described the Circle of Concern and the Circle of Influence.

⚫️ Our Circle of Concern contains all the things we care or worry about. Often outside of ourselves.

🔘 Our Circle of Influence contains the things we can actually do something about. (I often refer to this as the Circle of Control)

Where do we spend our energy?

Complaining about something outside our influence doesn't change anything(!).

It just keeps us engaged with it. Ugh.

I remember someone telling me their self-appointed job in their family dynamic was to worry. As if worrying somehow helped solve anything.

And that's where this little experiment has become much more interesting than I originally anticipated.

Maybe not complaining isn't really about being more positive.

Maybe it's about being more intentional with my energy.

Spending it where I actually have influence. Where I have a choice.

To do something. Say something. Change something.

And if I can't?

Maybe my work is to just allow it.

Not approve of it, or like it, or pretend it doesn't matter.

Just stop fighting what I can't change.

I'm only partway through my experiment.

So many opportunities to practice radical allowance. 😁

❤️ Heidi

P.S. Think you could go four weeks without complaining? Try it. And if you catch yourself complaining about how hard it is not to complain...welcome to the club. 😂 Let me know how you do!

P.P.S.My Experiment Update: I'm picking myself up, brushing myself off, and starting again. Maybe October 1st, just for some clear lines.